When thinking about what and how to start posting again the phrase, "I've had the wind knocked out of me" came to my mind. Although it doesn't really do it justice, it sort of does feel like that. When the wind is knocked out of you, you usually aren't expecting what is coming.
Yeah, I wasn't expecting this.
On the 10th I went to my appointment with my midwife. Just four weeks before we heard a good strong heartbeat. She put her instrument on my stomach and we couldn't hear a heartbeat. 20 weeks and 6 days and heartbroken.
The next day we went in for an ultrasound and had it confirmed that our baby girl had passed away.
It all seems like a blur and there are moments I am not sure all of this even happened.
We went in on Monday to deliver and she was born 31 hours later on Tuesday August 16th. We named her Lily Rebecca. She was 9 inches long and 9.9 ounces. We have a new respect for life and the true miracle that it is.
We feel blessed, we feel sad, we feel lost, we feel angry, we feel hope, we feel love....etc, etc, etc. I am honestly amazed at how I can feel all these emotions and then some, in just one minute.
Zach and I are not used to the walking roller coaster of a wife I've been lately. I laugh so easily and cry so easily. I leave the room when I want to and I feel that my tact of mind and mouth is slipping. :)
On Monday morning before we left for the hospital, I opened my scriptures up to Ether. I love the story of the brother of Jared. The two verses I read were so fitting and a wonderful reminder to me that I am not in charge. Ether 2:23,24.
This journey that has begun because of Lily is one I never thought I'd take. It is hard. I am so, so grateful that I have Zach by my side and so many around me to help, love and support-both from this side of the veil and the other.
