When thinking about what and how to start posting again the phrase, "I've had the wind knocked out of me" came to my mind. Although it doesn't really do it justice, it sort of does feel like that. When the wind is knocked out of you, you usually aren't expecting what is coming.
Yeah, I wasn't expecting this.
On the 10th I went to my appointment with my midwife. Just four weeks before we heard a good strong heartbeat. She put her instrument on my stomach and we couldn't hear a heartbeat. 20 weeks and 6 days and heartbroken.
The next day we went in for an ultrasound and had it confirmed that our baby girl had passed away.
It all seems like a blur and there are moments I am not sure all of this even happened.
We went in on Monday to deliver and she was born 31 hours later on Tuesday August 16th. We named her Lily Rebecca. She was 9 inches long and 9.9 ounces. We have a new respect for life and the true miracle that it is.
We feel blessed, we feel sad, we feel lost, we feel angry, we feel hope, we feel love....etc, etc, etc. I am honestly amazed at how I can feel all these emotions and then some, in just one minute.
Zach and I are not used to the walking roller coaster of a wife I've been lately. I laugh so easily and cry so easily. I leave the room when I want to and I feel that my tact of mind and mouth is slipping. :)
On Monday morning before we left for the hospital, I opened my scriptures up to Ether. I love the story of the brother of Jared. The two verses I read were so fitting and a wonderful reminder to me that I am not in charge. Ether 2:23,24.
This journey that has begun because of Lily is one I never thought I'd take. It is hard. I am so, so grateful that I have Zach by my side and so many around me to help, love and support-both from this side of the veil and the other.
9 comments:
You are a beautiful soul Becca. It goes on later to say in Ether that they were tossed upon the sea by the raging storms that were blowing them towards the promised land. Sometimes it is so easy to feel the storm but we also need to remember that it is taking us where we need to be and helping us become WHO we are meant to be. Love you.
She is beautiful. And I am so so sorry.
Beautifully written, beautiful baby. You are amazing in every way Becca. Love you.
So sorry about the loss of your sweet baby...my thoughts and prayers are going out to you and your family.
Love you Becca! Let me know if I can do anything for you:)
She is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. You are in our prayers.
i just can't believe it, becca. my heart is broken for you and your dear family. i am so so sorry for this trial you are going through, we'll be praying for you. we send all our love.
I am so sorry. I admire you for finding such spiritual strength during this time. That is a beautiful thought and scripture.
I am so sorry for your loss and yet I know that you hear that alot and it really doesnt help. I cant even imagine the loss of your baby. Your feelings describe my grief perfectly, I loved the saying "Having the wind knocked out of you". You are not alone and I am here if you need to talk or anything. There is a book that my Grandma gave me when my husband died that is an awesome book and I think you would really like it. It is called "There is no death", By Sarah Menet. It is about a near death experience by a woman (Sarah Menet) who did not believe in God, she tells her experience and has later become a member of the church. It really helped me alot.
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