5 to 1

I was going over notes just now from a marriage seminar Zach and I went to a few months back. In one of the classes we went to on celebrating the differences in marriage, Kevin Barlow, M.S., shared a theory that John Gottman has called the 5:1 positive -to-negative interaction ratio. I liken this to the love bank idea.

Basically, "we have found that it all comes down to simple mathematical formula: no matter what style your marriage follows, you must have at least five times as many positive as negative moments together if your marriage is to be stable"

"A lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship."

"For a marriage to have a real staying power, couples need to air their differences"

'Anger only has negative effects in marriage if it is expressed along with criticism or contempt or if it is defensive"

"Research shows that to make a relationship last, couples must become better friends, learn to manage conflict, and create ways to support each other's hopes for the future. "

(These quotes are from Gottman's book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail)

So, how do we resolve conflict? And what are our five or more positives?

Zach and I resolve our conflicts by either agreeing to disagree or arguing until he agree's that I'm right. :)

The positives don't have to be right after you argue, he is just saying that throughout your days, you need to have that type of a ratio. So, Zach comes home and I give him an awesome hello...that counts for two.positives :) I make him his favorite dinner and tell him I made it just for him, and I even wore his favorite shirt, that counts for three. :) I'm done. :) All the other nice things I do are just bonuses. :)

Now, the fact that he calls me during the day and tells me how cool I am and that he loves me even though all he had for lunch today was some soy nuts and an apple...he gets about three points for that. Then, when he comes home and is sweet to me and the kids, he scores the rest and then gets all bonuses for the rest of the night. :)

I guess positive points come from saying I'm sorry, or I see what you mean, you make a good point, or thanks for helping me to understand that or your cute when you're angry...only if they appreciate that comment. :)

So, how do YOU resolve conflict? And what are YOUR five or more positives?