5 to 1

I was going over notes just now from a marriage seminar Zach and I went to a few months back. In one of the classes we went to on celebrating the differences in marriage, Kevin Barlow, M.S., shared a theory that John Gottman has called the 5:1 positive -to-negative interaction ratio. I liken this to the love bank idea.

Basically, "we have found that it all comes down to simple mathematical formula: no matter what style your marriage follows, you must have at least five times as many positive as negative moments together if your marriage is to be stable"

"A lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship."

"For a marriage to have a real staying power, couples need to air their differences"

'Anger only has negative effects in marriage if it is expressed along with criticism or contempt or if it is defensive"

"Research shows that to make a relationship last, couples must become better friends, learn to manage conflict, and create ways to support each other's hopes for the future. "

(These quotes are from Gottman's book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail)

So, how do we resolve conflict? And what are our five or more positives?

Zach and I resolve our conflicts by either agreeing to disagree or arguing until he agree's that I'm right. :)

The positives don't have to be right after you argue, he is just saying that throughout your days, you need to have that type of a ratio. So, Zach comes home and I give him an awesome hello...that counts for two.positives :) I make him his favorite dinner and tell him I made it just for him, and I even wore his favorite shirt, that counts for three. :) I'm done. :) All the other nice things I do are just bonuses. :)

Now, the fact that he calls me during the day and tells me how cool I am and that he loves me even though all he had for lunch today was some soy nuts and an apple...he gets about three points for that. Then, when he comes home and is sweet to me and the kids, he scores the rest and then gets all bonuses for the rest of the night. :)

I guess positive points come from saying I'm sorry, or I see what you mean, you make a good point, or thanks for helping me to understand that or your cute when you're angry...only if they appreciate that comment. :)

So, how do YOU resolve conflict? And what are YOUR five or more positives?

WARNING this is a soap box....

I was reading a marriage website the other day and saw a post about another website that promotes having an affair! UGH! Their big thing is, "life is short, have an affair". Okay does that even make any sense?!

I have thought of this periodically. Why would this appeal to SO many people?! There are 8.5 million members! CRAZY! (I did not go to the affair promoting site, I don't want to read that crap, I just read about it on the pro marriage site)

So the other day it occurred to me. I realize that idea is completely of the devil but where are the roots? What idea was planted and has been fed for so long to make people think it is okay and even a good thing?

Everyone has heard the saying, "the grass is greener on the other side" right? The other day I remembered a friend telling me of a conversation with some other women in her neighborhood about the characters in Twilight. Okay, not all the characters, just Edward and Jacob, the two main male characters that the main female character has to choose from. Well, one of these girls says, "if an Edward came along I would swoop him up in a heart beat!" What a horrible thing to say and horrible thought to entertain! You've already made your choice! It seems we battle with ingratitude on a regular basis. To be grateful or ungrateful, that is the question.

No wonder so many Prophets, if not all the Prophets talk about the importance of being grateful, developing an "attitude of gratitude"! No wonder.

It is kind of funny because we have all learned in one way or another that the grass really isn't always greener on the other side. There are so many things that go on in others' lives that we have no clue about. I have some talk's by Sheri Dew on CD and one thing that she says is, "I have never met anyone who was happier after they were unchaste, or disloyal or had an affair..." Isn't that the truth?! "Wickedness never was happiness"!

Gosh darn, if life is so short, have an affair with your spouse! Flirt, love, be secretive, call when you shouldn't, leave cute messages, meet them for lunch, make love during the day, go out on dates, meet at a hotel, buy them gifts, adore them, enjoy them etc! Focus where you promised to focus! You promised you would love them forever! Be loyal! Do it! Betcha they love you back and you love it!

What are your thoughts?

Posted by Becca :)

break a sweat doing something you love!

It has been quite sometime since I made THIS post and I've been thinking about it lately.

We all know life can be hard, marriage can be hard and sometimes you don't want to talk about it!

In the book "Marriage Fitness", Mort Fertel explains the philosophy that you need to "exercise" in marriage, you need to work at it but that sometimes you need to let go or at least not completely focus on the the"hot topics" and enjoy each other.

Trials come. They do, they have or they will. We still need to maintain and strengthen our marriage weather we are having a hard time or not. In his book he talked about a hard time he and his wife went through after they lost a child. They ran from each other. They hid behind work or other pursuits. Then they went to counseling. It was not what they needed. Their relationship was too weak to handle all the issues the counselor wanted to talk about. They needed to get back to the basics before they could face these problems.

That is how he came up with his philosophy of doing things everyday to show your spouse you care and then going on a weekly date and a getaway quarterly.

What has been on my mind lately is basically this. Face up to the hard things, recognize them, talk about them, then focus on enjoying each other, serving each other and loving each other. It is amazing how much nicer talking about the hard things is. Life lessons have to be learned, if they aren't then life will give us another opportunity to learn the same lesson in a different way.

We can help each other and love each other through the rough spots. That is just one reason I love being married. I've just noticed though, that those spots get rougher when we neglect the basic needs of our relationship, spiritually, emotionally, or physically.

I am SO glad I'm married to Zach and that on days that I am so not an attractive wife he still wants to be married to me. :) I am also glad that he is willing to learn right along with me what it takes to make our marriage successful and happy.

What are some ways that you and your spouse work through hard times? What do you love doing together that you both find rejuvenating? How do you assess how you are doing?