How's your love bank looking right now?

have you noticed that you get easily irritated with your spouse?  or are date nights a thing of the past?  do you do nice things for them just to do it?  when was the last time you consciously spoke their love language?  do you laugh together?  do you enjoy their company?

if you are reading this on a bad day, i'm not writing this so you will think your marriage is doomed.  seriously.

there are times in every marriage when the love bank account gets low.  it happens for many, many reasons and we honestly, most of the time, don't mean for it to happen!  it just does.  it does because we let something or someone come before our marriage.  again, not intentional.

so, lets get intentional.  it's a new year.  it's a great time to assess honestly where we are and where we want to be down the road.  and really, there is no better time than now.

why do we want to make deposits in our spouses love bank accounts?  well, if we aren't making deposits, then when withdrawals happen, the easily frustrated happens, the snappy comments happen, the lack of desire for quality time happens and then it gets worse...

whatever your love bank account statement says, just make note.  if you are in the positive and still making deposits, keep depositing.  if you are in the negative, then make some deposits and build your account back up.

one thing that is super great to remember is that you are responsible for YOU.  you can't change anyone else's attitude or actions.  you can only control your own.  you can set a good example though.

what are some deposits we can all make in our love banks?

*say something nice to them (and be sincere)
*do something nice for them (and be sincere)
*talk nice to them all day (and be sincere) :)
*leave a note with words to your favorite love song or poem.
*ask them what they have going on that day and then later that day, text them and say you're thinking about them and you hope whatever they had went well or wish them good luck.
*pray for your spouse.
*pray together.
*when they are talking, listen to them by looking at their face and not your phone.
*touch them when you walk by.
*watch them and look for the good.
*start writing down what you're grateful for in them. (could be a great Valentines gift if you started soon)
*if you've been slacking at helping around the house, join in and be a team. turn on some music and enjoy yourselves.
*read about something that interests your spouse and shock them when YOU bring it up.
*ask them out on a date

remember, these are all like apples.  consider an apple a day, a good deed a day,  a deposit a day. whatever you want to call it.  abundant blessings await for being intentional in your marriage!

i've enjoyed writing this list.  while you read this list, what things came to your mind that would be like deposits in your spouses love bank?

it's good to be blogging again.
i love being married.
Becca

how do i love thee?

Have you ever wondered why you love your spouse the way you do?  You should observe yourself.

Usually I love Zach through service.  -make special meals, take care of things he wants done, etc.  he is a words of affirmation person though...so it doesn't come naturally to me, i have to work at it.  i think positive things in my head, i just have to remember to say them!

most people do this though, they love their spouse the way they want to be loved. (learned this from the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman).

So, if you find that you aren't happy with the way your spouse is loving you or at least, you feel a void somehow.  Just observe.  What do they do for you?  What do you do for them?

Now that you've noticed a bit what comes naturally to them.  Ask them about it?  "I've noticed that you do this ____ for me a lot, is that something you would like me to do for you?"  and then visa versa with your observation of yourself.  "i've noticed that i show my love for you by ____, i would appreciate it if you did/ said things like that for me."

We can't, well, shouldn't make demands of our spouse.  They aren't our love slave after all.  But, we can make requests.  New habits are hard to make.  It is not always easy for me to think of the right things to say to Zach.  I have to work at it.  So, notice the effort and appreciate it!

Today.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!

So, this morning somewhere around 4 A.M. I was up with our little night prowler son. I couldn't go back to sleep and so was thinking about my plans for the day.
I began to analyze the needs they filled. I realized that I totally love Zach in my own love language so much more than I love him in his!

Yeah, everything I had planned for today was either an acts of service or a quality time.

Well, good thing I woke up at 4 so I could rethink that!

I thought that I'd post this in hopes to save some of you from making the same mistake. If anything, try something in all the five love languages if you aren't sure which one they are.

*words of affirmation
*physical touch
*quality time
*receiving gifts
*acts of service

Have a great day!!!

Want to hear something cool?!

Okay good! Cause I'm excited!

I contacted Gary Chapman and he had his staff send me some free copies of his book The Five Love Languages!!! Doesn't that rock?

Do you have a copy of this book? You should! It's a goodie.

How would you like one?

Okay. Why would you like it? Leave a comment with your answer AND an Apple you will do for your spouse today. I'll announce the winner on Friday the 14th.

I hope you win. :)

Oh, and a question. Have you noticed the "Apples to try" on the top of this blog?

keep contact...

Does your spouse travel?, work long hours?, work for days at a time and then come home?, have school and work, etc?

How do you do it? How do you support them? How do they support you?

I know when Zach is gone hunting or on a business trip I kind of go crazy...or want to...or need to. Sometimes it is just hard, especially with young kids or if it is a stressful, busy time for some reason.

I remember when Ben was a baby, not even a year old yet, Zach left for a 10 day training in Chicago. I tried to do some fun things. I stayed with my parents, his parents and visited friends. But I missed him like crazy. We talked on the phone on his lunch breaks, he called at the end of the day to say goodnight to Ben. After Ben was in bed Zach and I would talk for a while until he had to go study. This training took place in October when the World Series was in Chicago. This was way fun because we watched the game together. We just talked on our phones and watched the game. We both had to charge our phones while talking and our phones were hot- we had been on them so long. I believe this game went into like triple overtime. I might be being dramatic. :)-I get that way sometimes. :) But still, this is a sweet memory for me.

The reason why this is on my mind is because it seems we go through times when things are particularly crazy. We don't see each other very much and when we do there is tension because our needs aren't being met. I know time is a big thing for me. I am a quality time person. Zach and I can do anything-we can walk to the corner and back and I'm happy. I just love his undivided attention. So, what do we do when there isn't any time?

Well, referring to the above story. We weren't sitting next to each other watching the game but we were there together.

If you don't have a lot of time in one block then make the little contacts here and there matter. When I am gone with my mom and sisters to womens conference, Zach keeps the kids and I go. If he were to make me feel guilty about it I don't think I would think of him very fondly when I was gone.

When your spouse is away, find ways to be positive, grateful and encouraging. Show love. Be their friend. All day when I'm at womens conference I think about how lucky I am because he is so supportive. Does this mean keeping the kids is very easy for him? Does he put on a face? No. Sometimes he will call and ask what he should do about something but then he asks if I'm having a good time and tells me not to worry about anything.

When he goes hunting for a few days I send him away with notes hidden in his bag.

Probably one of the best things to figure out is what kind of love language they are. Then do your best to love them that way when they are gone so much.

does it matter?

are you the one who thinks "if I don't do anything for Valentines it won't matter"?

Well, if you are, then you had better really think about that one!

If you remember the post on the love bank you will know why I am encouraging you to think. Just the same as doing things that your spouse appreciates is a deposit in the love bank- not doing things your spouse would appreciate and even expects can be a withdrawal.

No one is perfect. I realize we don't always do, say, think the things our spouse wants us to. In marriage we learn as we go and we do it together.

Here is something that will hopefully help you to be on the right track in what you are doing or giving for Valentines Day.

First-do you know your spouses love language?

1. do they like it when you make the bed, make them treats, pack them lunch, take out the garbage? -they are an ACTS OF SERVICE PERSON

2. do they like back rubs, foot rubs, kissing, intimacy (a lot)-physical stuff? -THEY ARE A PHYSICAL TOUCH PERSON.

3. do they like gifts, flowers, treats that you buy just for them? -THEY ARE A RECEIVING GIFTS PERSON.

4. do they like notes, texts, emails, vocal praise, gratitude? -THEY ARE A WORDS OF AFFIRMATION PERSON.

5. do they want to do things together, talk, watch a movie, go places together? -THEY ARE A QUALITY TIME PERSON.

Some of us might be a bit of all these things. The idea is to pick the one that sounds the most like your spouse and do/give something under that category to them for Valentines.

Here is an idea for each category:

1. breakfast in bed

2. send a text, hide a note in their lunch or in their shoe that invites them to some pamper time by you, just for them. "you and me, our room 8 o' clock?"

3. buy them something they have mentioned they want. it could be flowers, razors, cologne, lotion or even their favorite candy bar. A simple, I thought of you today and thought you might like this goes a long way. (that means you really have to be thinking of them though! :))

4. Write up "The Top 10 Reasons Why I LOVE YOU"

5. Give them quality time with just you. A true quality time person would love advance notice so they can look forward to it. (like I have been looking forward to my date with Zach tonight for like a week and a half! -yeah, like that! :))

You've still got time! Do something!

You are special...

A little background to this post...for those of you who haven't read Five Love Languages that I talked about in a previous post. Zach is a words of affirmation person.

So, on Sunday Zach and I were driving to dinner at his parents house and were talking. He asked me to tell him some things that I see that he does well. Until we got to his parents house I was talking about him and all the good I see him doing. When we were a few houses away he interrupted me and said, "wow, I need to talk to you more often!". I found his comment surprising actually because I am a pretty complimentary person. It just goes to show we can't tell our spouses enough how much we appreciate them and all they do. They need to know! We don't want them wondering if they are wonderful! They should know!

The apple for the day is: Make a special effort to express gratitude today for your spouse!

Disclaimer: Now I know that sometimes we get frustrated with our spouses. I don't want you to think that I don't. But this is the thing, we love them right? When we are frustrated, the best way out is to look at the positive and dwell on that. I don't want you to be misled, I don't think I'm perfect, I am trying like the rest of you. That is why I have this blog! :)...because it helps me keep trying!

Physical touch

One book I love is called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Instead of trying to explain everything in the book right now I'll just copy part of what is on the back of the book.

"ARE YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE SPEAKING THE SAME LANGUAGE?"

"He sends you flowers when what you really want is time to talk. She gives you a hug when what you really need is a home-cooked meal. The problem isn't your love-its your love language!

'In this international bestseller, Dr. Gary Chapman reveals how different people express love in different ways. In fact, there are five specific languages of love;

~Quality time ~Words of Affirmation ~Gifts

~Acts of Service ~Physical Touch"

Every Apple of the Day can be classified under one of these languages of love.

Today's apple of the day is: Hold their hand, look for any opportunity to do this. Be sweet!